Monday, October 10, 2011

Men's Hair: A Few Complaints

I'm taking a little holiday from art and from the political atmosphere here. I was going to write a really snarky post about the many, many, too many men I see who are basically bald but have a smidge of a ponytail stuck on the backs of their heads. Then I thought: "Gee, that's kind of mean. I better not do it." But I live out here in the capital of earthy crunchy and many of these guys are aging hippies who've been wearing their hair this way since the '60s. There are so many of them. No, it's not their fault that the rest of their hair has disappeared and left only that weird, wispy thing on the backs of their heads, but they need to update their look for this century.

Image from the internet - but it could have been from Happy Valley, Mass.

You see, the rest of us are stuck looking at their heads. And if you think it's fun to stand in line behind one of these guys, think again. So, men, if you have one of these, please cut that thing off the back of your head. Do your public a favor.

Definitely not a good look!

I am sometimes (when in a charitable mood) reminded by one of these hairdos of the Egyptian boy hairstyle.

- although it looks much better on the hieroglyph. Apparently this ponytale-on-the-side-of-the-head style was just for boys. As they hit puberty, they shaved their heads completely (apparently due to the heat, the head lice and the need to wear wigs). I should point out, of course, that this was probably just for the aristocracy. The rest of those guys busy providing bread and beer, building the pyramids, mummifying bodies and digging tombs were probably not dressed in diaphanous linen with beaded collars, nor in jeweled ponytails or decorative wigs. In fact, they may have been dressed just like the guys doing all the heavy lifting at those archaeological sites you see on TV with some kind of head covering and loose caftans. In that climate, there's not much else that's comfy. (And we won't even get into what the women wore, now will we?)

But I digress. I also want to lodge a complaint about men with long hair. I know, I know, many people (women included) like the long hair on men. I happen not to care for it. Is this a sign of aging, do you think? Back in the '60s, I liked it OK, but that was 50 years ago. Am I old or is the hairstyle?

Brad Pitt

Remember Fabio - long hair with shaved/depilatory-ed chest

Keith Urban - he really goes for the greasy look

Snoop Dogg - the braids are at least neat but give him kind of a girly look, I think

Johnny Depp as Captain Jack Sparrow - his hair (wig) looks fairly clean here but is usually skanky. I think the double braid beard is a cool touch. But beards are an entirely different subject. Just wait till I get around to that.

Ian McKellen as Gandalf

I especially don't like it when it's greasy - intentionally or not - that is, made to look greasy with hair product or just greasy from not washing.

Now, you notice that I have given you images of actors or other famous men with long hair and none of them look particularly horrible. They are also not shown in real life, at the grocery store or walking around the streets of Happy Valley in all their hairiness.

The reality is more like this. Clean but wouldn't he look better with short hair? Really?

Or this. Well, this is in a world of its own
(bet it doesn't look like this now that he's behind bars.)

It's just not very attractive. Wouldn't you agree?

But, you know what I'm leading up to, don't you? It's The Combover or comb over or comb-over. And there's that Prince of Combovers, the Donald. (first had a typo that said "Price of Combovers." Guess the Donald's money was on my subconscious mind.)

It's all too easy to make fun of this bird's nest.

OK, this is in the same league as the bald ponytail. In fact, you sometimes see them together - the bald combover ponytail - all three on one head. There is no doubt that it's quite an intricate task to keep those pieces of hair aiming in the right direction to cover that spot that keeps getting bigger day by day no matter what you do. In fact, Wikipedia says that there is even a comb over patent:

It's quite a weaving job - better than a handmade rug...(get it?)

I found some pretty bad looks


Well, I won't include any more. Let's just say we all know what they look like. And "we" know them from the back and sides as well as from the front.

I'm sorry, guys. I know it must be a big adjustment in your self-esteem to lose your hair. But it's either Hair Club for Men or get out the razor. Bald really is better than these things above.

Michael Jordan

Bruce Willis

Vin Diesel

Now those guys all look great. And if you have any doubt, just compare them with the following:

Brian May, former guitarist with Queen

OK, he's lucky enough to have hair but he looks like he's wearing one of those wigs the British barristers wear. Brian, think about it: wouldn't you look better with short hair? Really?

He used to look like this, but those days are long over.

This is him with hair dye in 2008.

All right. I've been mean enough and picked on the poor guys sufficiently.

Getting older is no picnic. You think you look one way, then you look in the mirror and see some old stranger. "Who's that granny looking back at me?" you wonder. "OMG, it's ME!" Yeah, yeah, it's no fun but I tell you what, I'm not planning on growing a pony tail or learning how to do a comb over.


Joanne Mattera said...

So I guess you're not a member of the Hair Club for Men, then?

CMC said...

LOL... I keep wondering who that granny is myself when I catch a glimpse in a mirror or a reflection in window glass.
I cut my husband's hair....for years. No comb overs here. Son early 40's shaves his head.

ArtPropelled said...

When I look in the mirror early in the morning I see my aged mother staring back at me. Quite a shock! As for the comb over.... anything has to be better than that! Thanks for the giggle.

Tanya said...

Oh my gosh...You just made my day! The research, depth and detail of that...amazing!

Tanya said...

Oh my gosh...You just made my day! The research, detail, and depth of that article...amazing!

Sandy said...

Still laughing hysterically at the Beard Comb-Over! A new classic.

Cda00uk said...

Can I add another category, please? - black hair dye [on men or women]. A certain ex-Beatle who remarried recently springs to mind. If, with all his money, it still looks fake - it's not going to work for anyone.

The same, of course, applies to toupees. And if you must wear one - don't pretend your hair is still the same colour it was 20 years ago!

Nancy Natale said...

Thanks for the comments, everybody! I'm glad you got a kick out of this post. (I notice that no men commented.)

I guess the next post should be on plastic surgery for women or men to combat growing older and having gravity do its damndest on us. It's either that or taking up that thing that rotates you for headstands.

PoorGrad said...

Hillarious! Bravo.